I grew up in a very conservative church that loved and feared the Lord. It gave me such a strong foundation for my faith because I learned deep, Biblical teaching coupled with serving others.
While legalism was never taught from the pulpit, it was a big part of my church’s culture. I pushed back on those legalistic aspects by painting my nails, wearing my hair in a braid, attending a public university, and piercing my nose.
It might not seem like much, but it rocked the boat for sure!
I thought I had moved out of legalism by the time I ventured to college. I met some great ladies that really poured into me spiritually. I served on staff for our campus ministry and loved on international students with my whole heart. I was moving into all that God had for me, and I had it all together. I was certain.
After graduation, I moved to South Korea to marry the love of my life whom I had met in college a few years prior.
Suddenly I found myself alone.
Sure, I had my husband and his family but I literally had no one else.
I prayed for an older woman to invest in me.
I begged for someone I could disciple.
I pleaded for a couple to walk through life with.
…..But I got silence from the Lord and zero other relationships.
I was so angry at God, feeling like he’d left me alone, hanging out in the breeze.
I had served people so faithfully, why was no one serving me?! God owed me!
Woah. Where had that thought come from?
The Bible certainly doesn’t teach that we serve others so we can be served.
Oh Legalism, there you are, creeping around my soul.
Father used this time of silence to show me my legalistic attitude
as well as His faithful heart!
God peeled back another layer of myself so He could shine more brightly.
Fast forward a few years, we’re in KC, doing life and ministry together with our beautiful young daughter. We found out we were pregnant again in February 2013.
We were ecstatic! Our plan was working perfectly and our kids would be spaced exactly how we wanted them. In April, however, tests confirmed that
we had lost our son, Habin, at 11 weeks.
Our hearts were devastated, but even so, our souls were being reshaped as the Father drew us to Himself like never before.
We were leaning to trust Him in deeper ways as we leaned into that precious faithfulness. God had proven faithful to take us through so much already; I didn’t doubt that He would continue holding us.
Little did we know how much we would need His faithfulness still to come…
Several months later I was still having some weird health problems related to the miscarriage. After passing out on the floor, I went in to see what was up. The doctor was really vague and a second opinion landed me a reference to the oncologist.
What?! I was 26!
Cancer was for old people.
…..Or heathens who were wild in their youth.
Not me, I was living an obedient life.
Did you catch that? More legalism was lurking.
Over the next several months as we walked through the looming possibilities of death and barrenness, trying to hold fiercely to faith instead of fear,
Father miraculously healed my body!
The mass that had grown suddenly stopped growing. There had been no treatments, no medication, and we were eventually cleared to have more babies.
Of course, we were thrilled with all that we had graciously been given back, but this time, so much of my pride had been cut out.
God had peeled back another layer of myself to prove His faithfulness.
I was in humble awe at God’s grace.
I had done nothing to deserve such vast love and I knew there was nothing I could do without Christ. He was good, and I was clothed in His righteousness alone!
Now blessed with two little ones, I find myself wanting, no needing, to be super mom.
To prove to the world I can do it all.
But Father gently reminds me again that He’s already done it all.
My ability to stay on top of the laundry, cook, clean, homeschool, and parent perfectly with my husband is completely irrelevant.
I can stop trying to earn my salvation and simply bask in my Savior’s glorious presence.
Christ’s sacrifice on the cross is enough.
Today, my sister, lean in to the Father’s love for you.
His deep salvation,
His wide redemption, and the
fullness of His resurrection is waiting to set you free!