As a child, I cannot remember ever NOT being in love with Jesus. I was raised in an amazing Christian home with amazing Christian parents who were both fairly new to this faith walk themselves, so they were learning and teaching as they went. I accepted Christ as my Savior at the age of 7.
As a teenager, I can’t remember waking up and not seeing my dad at the kitchen table reading the Bible. When I had issues with friends or boys, he would always open God’s Word and say, “Let’s see what God says!” I thank God for this strong Biblical foundation.
The summer before my senior year, my dad went west to visit his family. We had never been very close to them due to distance physically and spiritually. He came home and told my mom that he was in love with his first cousin. He divorced my mom two years later. I realize now that I idolized my father. He was a good man . . . but he is just a man.
This change of events sent me on a downward spiral. I prayed for two years that my dad would come back. He didn’t. Where was God? Did He care? How could He let this happen to me and my family? I decided to look for love in ALL the wrong places. I was mad at God. I would show Him . . . .
When I finally hit rock bottom, it occurred to me that God had never left me. He was the only male in my life that hadn’t disappointed me. It was I who had run from Him and not vice versa. As I began to rekindle my love for Jesus and depend solely on Him, He plopped my husband right in my lap.
We got married, bought a house, and started having kids. It wasn’t until my mom was going through her second divorce that I realized just how much I didn’t trust men . . . none of them. Not even my husband, who had never given me a reason not to trust him. In 2011, I was thrown into a deep depression after I went to Africa and fell in love with three orphans. I was mad at my husband because he wasn’t giving me what I wanted. Like the spoiled brat that I am, I threw a temper tantrum. Those things aren’t very pretty when you’re an adult. I was miserable. I wanted out.
Then I went through Christian counseling for a year. That year will always be a benchmark in my life. I learned so much about myself that wasn’t pretty. I learned so much about all the anger that I had suppressed for years. I learned so much about my lack of trust in everyone, including myself and God. But the best thing I learned was that God had never left me. He had never forsaken me. I began to remember all the ways that He had been faithful to me on this wilderness journey of life. I began to see that He had a plan for my life, and that all the baggage was a part of the plan.
I wouldn’t be who I am today if I hadn’t been through the wilderness and come out leaning on my Beloved. He rescued me. He set my feet on a Rock that is higher than I. He put a new song in my heart. He saved me from myself. Thank You, Jesus, for Your faithfulness in the midst of my unfaithfulness.
Today, my husband and I are in a better place than we’ve ever been before because I’m not depending on him for my happiness. I’m depending on Jesus. He is sufficient.
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